How old are you Emotionally?

You know what it says on your driving licence or birth certificate, but what age are you really functioning at emotionally. Its funny how, at times we can slip from being intelligent rational ‘adults’ into almost infantile responses when our buttons are pushed and when we fail to take understand and take responsibility for our feelings.

It takes courage to catch ourselves in the act of being a ‘brat’ but it is the first step to stepping more fully into our grown up shoes. The fact is, on any given day you or I might regress to some stage of emotional development we presume we left behind years ago. While chronological age is progressive through time, emotional age is a layering of maturity over our early coping styles, stress us and we can strip right back to basics.

The four emotional ages – infant, child, adolescent and adult – are marked by different ways of going about getting what we want.

THE EMOTIONAL INFANT simply does not recognise the rest of the world. When she needs something she howls until she gets it and feels no need to give it back. This primitive ‘feed me’ strategy works so remarkably well for some people that they stay stuck; they get a whole lot of stuff and not much sense of self. Even those of us who have moved on, revisit infancy more often that we care to admit, especially when it comes to romantic relationships.

You will know you’re there when you hear yourself argue, “If you loved me you’d ….” Such manipulative behaviour demeans you.

THE EMOTIONAL CHILD clearly recognises there are powerful others who can control the important resources of attention, support, money and love. He does not feel an equal in his relationships, but is a wily and instinctive negotiator. His underlying attitude is “You have things I want, and I will find ways to get them from you.” He can be pleasing, needy and prone to tantrums or withholding.

You will know you’re there when you catch yourself between a wheedle and a whine. If you notice that you are sneaking to get your way or shifting the blame to avoid taking responsibility you are back in childhood. The payoff may be getting what you want but the price is your self-esteem.

THE EMOTIONAL ADOLESCENT also sees others as more powerful but is much less comfortable with their perceived authority. She flips back and forth, sometimes insisting on total independence, no matter the price, and other times expecting to be rescued. The emotional adolescent wants wither nothing or everything and sometimes both in the same argument.

You will know you’re there when you can’t give in even when a part of your brain recognises that the other person is making a fair point. When you insist on something that’s not that important to you, you’re no longer arguing for a point. Instead you’re fighting to assert your power, having unconsciously lost some already by turning yourself into a teenager and your opponent into a parent. Emotional ambivalence is the scarlet letter of the emotional adolescent. If you have a love-hate relationship with your boss, best friend, your partner or your parent, it’s an indicator that you are either clinging to adolescence or caught in its quicksand.

THE EMOTIONAL ADULT recognises his own needs and understands that the people close to him may have conflicting desires. He can negotiate a solution in the face of conflict that either satisfies both parties and one that builds his emotional bank account with others via IOU’s.

You’ll know you’re there when you can strike a balance between getting what you want and giving what is needed. When you can defer to someone else without feeling powerless and hold your ground without fearing abandonment, you’re a grown up. Savor it. Push yourself to this peak as often as possible.

It takes conscious effort and courage to catch yourself in the act of being a brat. We regress largely out of fear and one way to snap out of it is to stop and ask, “What am I afraid of?” When a fear is named, it often dwindles. We need to remind ourselves of where we want, and can, be. Chronological age marks how long you have lived, but emotional age reflects what you have done with the time.